


the path to recovery is long and winding

by LilacMoss



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Asexual Raphael Santiago, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s02e07 How Are Thou Fallen, Episode: s02e08 Love is a Devil, Episode: s02e09 Bound By Blood, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Maryse Lightwood Redemption, Multi, Protective Magnus Bane, Supportive Alec Lightwood, Supportive Magnus Bane, Supportive Raphael Santiago, Yin Fen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:01:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26428273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilacMoss/pseuds/LilacMoss
Summary: What if Magnus had discovered Isabelle's addiction when he caught her in the Hunter's Moon with Rufus?What if, instead of coping alone, Isabelle had been supported from the start?What if Isabelle and Raphael had chosen to give their relationship a try?This is that story.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Clary Fray & Isabelle Lightwood, Isabelle Lightwood & Maryse Lightwood, Isabelle Lightwood/Raphael Santiago, Magnus Bane & Isabelle Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Simon Lewis & Isabelle Lightwood
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know there isn't much Malec action and no Rizzy in this chapter, but there will be!
> 
> Also, tw for mention of drug use. Please stay safe people!

Isabelle was growing desperate. With her _yin fen_ reserves dry, withdrawal had been given a chance to kick in, and kick in it had. She felt shaky and she couldn't think straight. The nausea was killing her. A search of Aldertree's office had left her empty-handed; she didn't know where she would turn if her visit to the Hunter's Moon didn't prove more productive. 

As she entered the Downworlders' bar, the noise hit her like a wave and she thought she'd drown beneath it. Squashing this fear down, she focused on her need to find the drug. 

She knew she should have fought, should have locked herself in the Institute until her cravings were gone, but she was so tired _._ If someone had been there to be strong for her perhaps she could have stopped, but there was no-one was because no-one knew and Isabelle refused to tell them. What did it matter if she drowned her troubles with _yin fen_? At least this way she wasn't burdening anyone. 

Taking in a deep breath, she glanced around for the warlock she'd come to find. He wasn't hard to find - a single tall figure idling by the pool table. Isabelle forced herself to move towards him. "Are you Rufus?" 

"What are you in the mood for Shadowhunter?" His voice was gravelly from too much alcohol and she could see the grease in his hair. "Dream gels? Energy powder?" 

" _Yin fen,_ " Isabelle said abruptly. 

Rufus straightened his back. "Dancing with the devil, are we?" He paused. "Yeah, I could track some down. Won't be cheap." 

That didn't matter. The Institute was rich and generous, and, _oh Angel_ , she knew she wouldn't have been put off even if it was poor and stingy. "Whatever it costs," she said. 

Finally, relief was near, her prize tantalizing in its closeness. And then a familiar voice broke in. Magnus Bane. She hadn't even had a chance to imagine the scent and texture of the substance she wanted so badly. Fear and anger and - something else? - awoke within her. She pushed them down mercilessly. If she was to get rid of him, she needed to be calm. 

"Magnus," she said, as he approached Rufus. "What are you doing here?" 

Magnus' eyes didn't leave the other warlock. "The question is, what is Rufus doing here? He knows he's banned from North America. Indefinitely."

Rufus' face fell and he left without another word, leaving Isabelle reeling. So close, but not close enough. Not _quick_ enough. Rufus would never get the drug for her now, not after the High Warlock had, though not in so many words, banned it. 

Magnus turned to her. "Qué haces guapa?" 

To her astonishment, some of the tension in her shoulders dissipated at the sound of her second tongue. Slowly, she pulled her lips back from her teeth in a smile that was almost genuine. Perhaps she should have replied to him in the same, but she couldn't - to do so would make her vulnerable. Lying in English was far easier, probably because she'd had so much more practice. 

"I'm here on business," she said. 

Magnus studied her. "Drug dealer business?" 

"Exactly. Trying to crack down on the Downworlder drug trade." She hoped her patronising expression would get him to back off but it only seemed to make him more determined. 

"Isabelle, I don't need magic to know when I'm being lied to." 

_No. Too_ _close. Far far too close_. Her heart began to pound and her body cried out for air. She ignored it, and focused on keeping her breathing calm and level, aware that anything else would immediately arouse his suspicion. 

Once she had herself back under control, she raised her shoulders in a calmly nonchalant shrug. "There's been a spike in the demand for _yin fen_ and I have orders to find the source. If you don't believe me, call Aldertree." 

Her story was believable enough - she wasn't a good liar for nothing. But would Magnus buy it? Nervously, she waited to find out. 

With a surge of surprise, she saw the signs of internal conflict appear on Magnus' face. He stared down at his martini glass before finally raising his eyes to meet hers. "Apologies." 

The relief that ran through her then would have made another woman, a _human_ woman, weak at the knees. Not Isabelle. Face a calm mask, she dipped her head in a minute nod of acceptance before glancing away. 

But Magnus wasn't done. Not yet. "I've seen the havoc _yin fen_ can wreak up close and personal. Nearly cost my friend Jem his life," he explained gently. 

The words shook the young Shadowhunter deeply. She'd known what she was doing, but to hear it, to _really_ hear it, described as deadlyby someone as wise and as frivolous as Magnus? That was something else entirely. The part of herself that had been demanding she deal with _her issue_ , that wanted her to stop risking _everything_ for the highs, reared its head. Maybe it would have won. Except - 

Except her need, her desperation, to feel _enough_ , to forget that she never was, never had been, never _could be_ , anywhere near perfectchose that moment to assert itself. Louder and louder, clearer and clearer, it made itself known until her instinct for self-preservation was, for that moment at least, overpowered. She met her friend's eyes and her gaze was steady. "Do you know where to look for the source?" 

"Definitely not Rufus." He was completely taken in. Strangely her victory didn't feel as good as she'd imagined it would. "But, if you want to stop a _yin fen_ distribution ring, you'll need to find the kingpin." 

She knew she must play her cards, and soon, but how she chose to mattered. Done correctly, she would be nausea-free, headache-free, for some time. Done wrong and - and she didn't want to find out. 

Forcing her voice into a tone of calm professional detachment, she asked if he knew who the kingpin could be. 

"Probably one of the Night Children," he replied. " _Yin fen_ is made from vampire venom. When people get desperate enough, they go straight to the vamps." 

"Good to know." 

It was the most useful information she'd gotten out of him, well worth the discomfort and risk of their earlier conversation. 

"This is dangerous business, Isabelle," Magnus continued worriedly. A horrified expression made its way onto his face. "You're not working alone?" 

She hesitated, suddenly, _stupidly_ uncertain. 

"Aldertree should never have assigned you to do that. I'll talk to Alec." 

Why oh why hadn't she lied and made it out to be a group assignment? Magnus would have bought it, he'd bought everything she'd said so far. 

Why was it so hard to lie to him when he was being so stubbornly, endearingly focused on her wellbeing? 

Why had he bought any of her tales? 

She tried to keep the fear out of her voice. "No need, Magnus. I can handle myself." 

"I don't doubt it. But, Isabelle, for a single Shadowhunter to take on an organized criminal network of this kind, even locally ..." suspicion crossed his face as his voice trailed off into silence. 

The longer she stayed, the greater her chance of being found out. She began to edge towards the door.

Magnus followed her. "Isabelle, whatever this is, whatever's happening, I can help you." 

Sudden anger, hot and corrosive, pulsed through her and, as it traveled, it burnt away her fear and her uncertainty, her love and her calm. _Where were you when I was suffering,_ she wanted to scream. It was ridiculous, because Magnus had done so much for them, so much for Alec. But now she thought about it, that wasn't it, not really. _Where was_ Alec _when I needed him?_ And yet she had pushed them together, had been thrilled when they'd kissed at Alec's disaster of a wedding. 

She knew her anger was uncalled for. That didn't mean she couldn't rage. "You _can_ help me," she hissed. "By _leaving me alone_."

The warlock's eyes widened and, belatedly, Isabelle wondered if she'd gone too far. He was only trying to help, after all, and her anger had already faded away, leaving exhaustion behind. She studied him and noticed that alongside the hurt in his eyes, something else was growing. Determination. She tried to shake her feeling of apprehension. 

He shook his head. A refusal. "Not until I know what's going on." 

"Magnus Bane, leave it _now_ ," she ordered, trying to hide her nervousness, as she started to walk away.

She didn't get far. A hand snaked out and grabbed her wrist and not even her Shadowhunter strength could free her then - there was no give in his grip. She glanced down at her fingers and, when she saw the faint tinge of magic pulsing around them, her heart filled with pure fury and she opened her mouth to let him know _exactly_ what she thought of him in that moment. 

And froze. His eyes were fixed on her hand, their expression strange. She followed the line of his vision down and saw, with a mixture of self-pity and exhaustion, that her body had betrayed her. Her hand was shaking like a caged bird. 

"Oh Isabelle," he said sadly, releasing her. "Why didn't you tell me?" 

She shook her head frantically. "It's not what you're thinking, Magnus. It's under control. I needed something to take the edge away, but that's all. It's not an addiction." 

He gaze remained fixed on her and she knew his eyes were saying what he was too polite to. _Bullshit. Lies._

"I'm telling you the truth," she cried, pleading. 

"Do _you_ believe that?" he said quietly. They both knew it wasn't a question. 

She opened her mouth to reply but nothing came out. There was nothing she could say. As soon as he realized she had no answer, he shot her a gentle look. "Come with me, I'll give you a place to hide out until this is over." 

She knew what he was promising - a path back to normality, and protection, and security. She just didn't know if _normal_ was enough for her anymore. She tried to hide the battle waging within - duty against euphoria, _yin fen_ against - against everything. 

She had known the drug would win, but that didn't mean she hated herself any less for it. 

Sighing heavily, she shrugged. "I'm sorry, Magnus. I can't." 

His expression didn't change. "Yes you can. Isabelle, this isn't who you are." 

Wasn't it? Wasn't this _exactly_ who she was? A girl playing make believe in her mother's clothes, a young woman tagging after boys with far better things to do. A person who pretended to be powerful. A fraud. 

"Everyone thinks I'm strong, but I'm not," she said. "I can't fight anymore, Magnus."

"Then let the people who care about you fight. Because they will. Please." 

She had thought nothing could change her mind but she'd been wrong. As he unknowingly echoed what had been a half-thought in her own brain so recently, the part of herself that wanted the _yin fen_ to lose finally prevailed. She let him take her arm and lead her out of the bar, let him hold her up as shivers wracked her body, let him portal her to the street outside his apartment, and let him guide her up the stairs and into the warmth of his home. 

As soon as the door closed behind them, Magnus began to bustle around gathering blankets and towels and potion ingredients. 

Isabelle, meanwhile, collapsed onto the nearest sofa. Her head was throbbing, her skin felt too tight and she was glad she'd been too distracted to eat dinner because, judging by her nausea, she didn't think she'd have kept it down for long. 

"Are you going to tell Alec?" she eventually asked. "Jace?" 

He sighed. "I don't want to lie, Isabelle, and it would be better for you if they knew." 

She _could_ still ask him to cover for her. He hadn't refused outright and, if he truly believed her to be sincere about going clean, it was possible he'd agree, albeit very reluctantly. But Alec and Magnus had been through so much - they didn't need another secret to test their bond. It had taken so long for her brother to find love, and finally, _finally_ ,he was happy. 

"I'll tell them," she decided, smiling faintly. It was something the Isabelle from before would have chosen to do, and that thought alone made her feel less like a battered boat in a storm and more like a buoy, riding the waves. "But it's a long story." 

Magnus nodded. "Then I won't make you repeat it now." He hesitated, thinking. "I know of a potion that can ease your withdrawal." 

"Can you get it?" 

"I can do better than that. I can _make_ it. It'll take a while to brew though, so I suggest you sleep while I work." 

Isabelle's smile slid off her face. She knew she was in sore need of slumber, but lately it had been hard for her to fall under and, when she did, her dreams were jumbled and unnerving. 

"I haven't been sleeping well," she admitted. 

"What do you think magic is for?" Magnus appeared completely unfazed and fondness for the warlock swelled up inside her. 

"Thanks," she said, putting all her relief and hope and uncertainty into the word, knowing he'd understand. 

"Bed," he announced, eyes warm. Snapping his fingers, he sent a soft blue glow towards her head. 

She yawned, suddenly drowsy, and followed him to the spare guest room. It was smaller than the one Jace was in, and prettier. Pale green bedclothes gave the space a leafy feel, and the rich wood paneling added a sense of luxury and indulgence. 

"Duermas bien, Isabelle," Magnus said softly as he made his way to the door. The moment it swung shut behind him, she downed the water he'd left by the bed and then quickly shed her crumpled and sweaty day clothes for the elegant silk pajamas she'd found neatly folded on her pillow. As she slipped in between the blankets, she sighed with sudden pleasure, surprised by how soft and warm everything felt, softer and warmer even than her own bed in the Institute. Soon, she had drifted into the world of dreams, a world where all the roads were paved with daffodils and purple hyacinths bloomed strong on every mountain. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, next chapter, this time from Magnus' point of view. Going to be trying to work harder on college stuff now so won't be updating on a schedule but am planning on finishing it :)
> 
> And as always trigger warning for discussion of drugs and drug wise. Please stay safe people!

Magnus was attending to a pan of frying eggs and bacon when Isabelle made an appearance in the kitchen. She was still in the pajamas he'd left her, looking pale though far more put together than the night before. Her eyes were shadowed and he could see she was struggling.

"Isabelle," he greeted, grabbing a vial from a nearby shelf and holding it out to her. "Drink this. Gray's Potion. It should help." 

She pulled the cork out with shaking fingers and downed it in one go. As the blue liquid vanished from the clear glass, he was pleased to see the tremors stop and some color return to her face. 

"Better?" 

"Much. Thank you," she said, breathing heavily. 

He found himself hoping it was from relief instead of the memory of her recent discomfort. "Of course." 

"Magnus, I - " Whatever it was Isabelle wanted to say, she seemed to be having trouble getting the words out of her mouth so he kept his expression blank and waited patiently for her to build up the nerve to carry on. 

She was Isabelle so he didn't have to wait long. 

"I'm sorry, Magnus. I let you down. I let the Institute down." She hesitated a second. "If I'd tried harder - " 

He shook his head, willing her to meet his eyes and understand. "You'd still have been here. You've always done everything right, Isabelle. Is it really a surprise something would eventually go wrong? You've been a perfect Shadowhunter for so long, but no-one can be perfect forever." 

For a moment she looked surprised, even hopeful, but then her expression morphed into an amused look. "I appreciate the confidence but if you think I'm an ideal Shadowhunter, you haven't met enough of us." 

He huffed out a laugh. "Oh I know you rebel, Alec's told me enough family stories to make that very obvious." 

When she didn't reply he continued, pointing out that violating the Shadowhunter _cultural_ code was not at all equivalent to abandoning her duty, or failing to protect people. 

She stood still for a time after he'd finished. "No-one's ever said that before," she told him eventually. "I tried to be what they want, for a while, but then you feel like it's swallowing you. I had to find a way to be a Shadowhunter and still be myself." 

Magnus nodded. He knew how it felt to be stifled. She still looked preoccupied though and so he waited patiently for her to tell him what else was on her mind. She would, eventually, because whatever she was thinking, he could tell it was eating her up inside. 

"I failed, Magnus. Mom and dad don't know. Alec, Jace, my colleagues. I thought I could manage, after I found out, but not this time. This time I couldn't." 

He raised a hand to pat her shoulder. "It's never a straight road," he said, choosing his words carefully. "But that doesn't mean you won't get there. Just don't expect miracles from yourself. As long as you try, you're doing what you can." 

She looked like she wanted to argue so he moved quickly on to a question that had been bothering him. "Where did you get it? You said after you found out. After you found out it was a drug?." 

She gave a resigned sign. "Yes. It was Aldertree. After I got my demon wound, _iratzes_ didn't help and then he said he was sending a mission to the Iron Sisters. I'd wanted to see them since I was little, Magnus. So I tried to hide the wound, but he knew I'd been injured and he guessed it was still bad. He told me the _yin_ _fen_ would help me heal." 

For a brief moment, anger on Isabelle's behalf, anger against endless Shadowhunter manipulation and lies pulsed through him. He quickly pushed it down - it wouldn't help. 

"Why would he do that?" he asked, trying to understand, trying to find a viewpoint the situation could be tackled from. 

"He wanted me to spy on Clary. He thought if I was hooked enough, he'd be able to control me." Her eyes flashed. "I don't betray my friends, whatever they've done." 

Her face held anger for more than one person and Magnus realized that Alec had been right when he'd mentioned that something seemed to have happened between Isabelle and Clary. Magnus didn't ask - Isabelle would resolve her own issues and if she wanted to talk, she knew he'd listen. 

But something else about this didn't quite make sense. "If he wanted that, why would he cut you off? To prove you needed him?" 

Isabelle shook her head. "No. The Clave called him away. I'd thought I had enough to last but - " her voice trailed off. 

"It goes quicker than you expect." Magnus had been there, had seen battles won and battles lost against mundane drugs, magical drugs, alcohol. He studied her, expression soft. Shadowhunters grow up fighting. Isabelle, like all Shadowhunters, was a fighter. 

Their companionable silence lasted for all of three minutes before it was abruptly interrupted by a sleepy and very hungry Jace.

"Food," he exclaimed, making a beeline for the stove. As he reached it, he glanced behind him and quickly did a double take when he noticed Isabelle standing there. "What are you doing here? Is everything okay? Is it Alec? What's going on, Izzy?" 

Isabelle took in a deep breath. "Alec's fine. He's at the Institute. It's me, Jace." 

"What? What's wrong with you?" He turned to Magnus. "Is she okay." 

"I'm fine," Isabelle said before Magnus could reply. "It's my demon wound. When Aldertree sent the mission to the Iron Sisters, he only let me go because it was being treated. Except it wasn't. The thing he gave me wasn't a medicine. It was _yin fen_. A drug. I got addicted." 

She trailed off and Magnus picked up the story. "I found her in the Hunter's Moon last night, trying to buy some more from a certain reprobate warlock. Luckily, I know of a better way to avoid the pain of withdrawal." 

Isabelle nodded. "Magnus has been giving me a potion for it. It helps." Her voice sounded cheerful but Magnus could see the cracks in her facade. She looked exhausted. 

Apparently Jace could see through the cracks too because he sighed before hugging her tightly. "Oh Iz," he said sadly before pulling back and giving in to his rage. "I'm going to the Institute. I'm gonna kill that bastard." 

"No," Magnus immediately said, holding a hand up when Jace started to protest. "Shadowhunters are not known for their acceptance of mental, or other, illnesses. If this gets out, if the Clave hears of this, you could harm Isabelle." 

"I don't care. I'm not letting Aldertree do this to anyone ever again." Isabelle's eyes were fierce. "Because I'm sure I'm not the first. Will the Clave do anything to him if they find out?" 

Magnus nodded. " _Yin fen_ is highly potent and dangerous. So much as discussing it without good reason has been banned within the Shadow World for over a century."

"Then they _will_ act on the information. Magnus, I need you to send a fire message to Idris. Now." 

"Isabelle," Magnus said, feeling inexplicably sad that he was attempting to quash her righteous anger. "The Clave may take you away. They might take you to the Silent Brothers and if they do I don't know how long it will be before they let you out." 

"I -" Isabelle paused, looking scared. "And if I'm recovered?" 

"If you can prove your blood is clean, they won't touch you. But if they think it's not, they may keep you long after you've been through withdrawal." He shuddered, pushing away old memories. "I've seen it happen before." 

Jace was looking queasy, his eyes fixed on the table. "Izzy, you can't. It's too dangerous. I swear -" 

"It's okay," Isabelle interrupted. "I'll wait till I'm better, I promise." She got up, leaving a half-empty plate behind her. "I really have to go now." 

Jace looked up at her. "Iz, you're going to tell Alec, right?" Jace asked. "Today. He has to know." 

"I won't make you keep secrets," she promised. "Either of you. I'll tell him." 

Magnus smiled - the possibility of hiding Isabelle's situation from one or both of her brothers had not appealed to him. "Make sure Alec understands why this has to be kept quiet." 

Relief ran through him when she nodded. The last thing they needed was Aldertree returning from Idris early and being confronted by angry protective older brother in front of the entire Institute. When those things happened, the details always got out and these details couldn't. Not yet. 

"And tell Alec to give me a call once you two have spoken," Magnus called after the Shadowhunter as he heard her raiding his closet for clothes. He snapped his fingers, using magic to transfer a few outfits from her room in the Institute to her temporary bedroom. "Your clothes are on your bed!" 

He tried to ignore Jace's quiet laughter as the rustle of clothes being strewn about was quickly replaced by the click clack of Isabelle's ten inch heels stomping out the front door. 

A few hours later, as Magnus worked on yet another potion (not Isabelle's, this one that had been ordered by the head of the Los Angeles Institute), Magnus' phone lit up with Alec's number. Abandoning the spitting and hissing ingredients, he answered it on the first ring. "Alexander, hi."

"Hey Magnus," came the voice on the other end. "Izzy said you wanted to talk to me." 

Magnus spoke carefully, not wanting to upset his boyfriend or put him on the defensive. "I did. How are you? Honestly?" 

"I'm fine. It's not me you should be worrying about." 

Magnus made his voice firm. "It is. Your sister too, of course, but I am able to care about more than one person at once. And I know how you love your family. How could you not be affected? I wanted to check that you were okay." 

Alec sighed. "I'm fine. Really." He hesitated before pushing on. "But I should have been there for her. I could tell something was going on and I didn't ask." 

"And that's what I mean," Magnus replied wryly. "Don't blame yourself, Alexander. So you didn't do this perfectly. _No-one_ is perfect. Don't carry the blame for something that's not your fault. Okay?" 

"I guess." Alec sounded reluctant and Magnus knew he'd have to follow this up later. "My mother's back," Alec added after a few moments of silence. 

"Which means I'll make myself scarce," Magnus replied. He would always have Alec's back, of course, but no good could come from forcing himself into Maryse's way, which was why Alec's next words were not what he was expecting. At all. 

"Actually I had something else in mind. Magnus, how would you feel about throwing the party for Max's Rune Cerenomy."

"I think I'll pass," Magnus said slowly, wondering if the stress of Isabelle's news was responsible for Alec's suggestion. "I'm sure I'll love Max, but Maryse hates me." 

"That is sort of the point of the party. So that she can see that this, us, it's not going away." 

So Alec wanted to make a statement - a public statement in front of his family and all the Shadowhunters of the Institute. Magnus felt strangely touched. "You sure about this?" 

"Why wouldn't I be?" Alec demanded. 

Magnus smiled. "Then I better get to work. Look after Isabelle and don't feel guilty," he added, by way of goodbyes.

It was late evening when Isabelle returned. "Mom wasn't happy about the party idea," she admitted. "But she agreed. I'm glad it's happening here, Magnus. Maybe the Institute will finally get the message. We can change things, right?" 

Magnus handed her yet another bright blue vial. "Yes, my dear. We can."

This time, when she downed the potion, it was in two gulps instead of one. Magnus smiled. Slowly but surely, the venom was leaving her body. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My endnotes function is being a bit weird lol, the one below is for the previous chapter

**Author's Note:**

> Qué haces guapa means what are you doing beautiful and duermas bien is Spanish for sleep well.
> 
> The daffodils and hyacinths at the end are from the Victorian language of flowers (daffodils stand for rebirth and purple hyacinths are used to express sorrow and make amends).


End file.
